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Listen carefully. We may need science fiction sound effects. It is the year 2020 (*pew* *pew* *pew*). Crystal Palace are winners of the double-treble, and lead the English first division by a commanding 13 points. Their big star - among a firmament of stars that includes Neymar, Iniesta and, um, Zlatko Junuzović - is Dirk Kuyt, reincarnated as a preternaturally gifted (and of course hard-working) 16-year-old. The face of European football has changed forever.
[FADE OUT on an ominous dipping crane shot of Selhurst Park at sunset, that's not really Selhurst Park at all but PES 2014's generic lower league ground]
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